Introduction to half-speed therapy

Dear Gentle Reader,

I am sure that you, like every other human that has ever lived, have been stressed. For me it feels like my day to day life is filled with panic, cursing, and the inevitable feeling that everything is about to go wrong. For example, I have sat in my house, almost unemployed, for the last two weeks while I have been waiting for my car to come back from the shop. They say that boredom is the mother of invention, and I am proud to say that I have invented a new form of art.

YouTube has a amazing feature that lets you control the speed that the video plays. I have no idea why this might be useful for the majority of people, but for those who want to discover unending joy, all you have to do is turn the speed of the video to half speed. Just look for the little gear on the right-hand side of the bottom bar, that should give you a pop-up menu to control the speed. While I may be new to this art, I have found some excellent examples of videos that are made better when you watch them at half the speed. Just keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive list, just the first dabblings of something much greater. When you are done reading this, go out and find your own. Open your mind to the wonders that await.

“Shake The Death:” Bruno Mars Predictive Text Song – by Good Mythical Morning.

I can’t tell you how much I love this song. It is embarrassing. I have listened to this so much that each one of the lyrics has embedded themselves into my skull. Yet, at half-speed, it makes each line a stanza in a poem. It makes you contemplate eye-brow wiggle as if it were the agile floppings of an interpretive dancer. This video is made into something to contemplate at half-speed.

 Super Mario Galaxy 2 – Part 6 (DASH YOSHI DISASTER) by PeanutButterGamer

PeanutButterGamer has been and always will be one of my favorite Let’s Players on YouTube. It is not because he is a particularly good video gamer, but because he has made his stint on YouTube by being a constant mess. This video is a great example of why I love PBG. Watching this at half-speed aggravates just how much a train-wreck this is. For the best viewing experience, I recommend that you start at 1:21. There is something life-changing about watching a man run Yoshi headlong into a wall while slurring and stammering like a drunk man.

Habanera | Muppet Music Video | The Muppets

This video belongs to one of the best marketing campaigns of all time. This was when The Muppets were starting to advertise for their new movie in 2011 (called The Muppets, trust me I checked.) I could have put every Muppets song on this list, however, I choose to restrain myself to just one. What makes this such a strong candidate for half-speed therapy is how the sheer absurdity of what is happening is amplified. You are forced to not just see what is happening, but relish each and every scene. By the time Animal shows up, its work has been done.

 

Sinner’s Prayer

What a sinful wretch I am, Oh God. My heart is torn between what you want for me and what I want for myself. Why do I never do what I desire to do? What is keeping me from following after you? Why am I bound when you said that you set me free? Ack! Curse this darkness that is inside of me. It keeps me from the good that I know that I ought to do. Little chains that bind my hands, and impede my movements. I am sorry that I put them on myself for a cheap thrill that faded like fire. Also, like fire, it leaves me as a burnt-out husk of a man. I am like the skeletal remains after a house fire. People pass me by, shaking their heads at the shame of a wasted potential. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I change? Is there something within me that is unable to change?

I know that is a silly question. I know that I am broken mess that can’t reform naturally. It is beyond me to even hope for change and to dream of reform. Instead, you promise this to me. You said that you were going to fix me. You promised this to me before I could form thoughts and before I could dream of hope. You said you would pay for my restoration and you would ensure my life. I know that it is my fault that I am the wretch that I am, but how long must I wait for your saving touch? When does this seed die and the plant rise to you? How long must I wait for the day of your victory?
Have you forgotten me? Did I offend you? Why am I still here in my prison cell? Why is change so freaking slow? Ack! Why am I still a sinful, prideful, ugly mess? What are you waiting for? I can’t change without you! You are my only hope, you are the only thing that heart has to look forward to. Without you, I will die as a wasted forgotten seed in the ground.

You are my hope. You are my restoration. You are my salvation. You are my good. You are my love. You are my vision. You are my joy. You are my potential. You are my worth. You are my dream.

I am nothing without you. You are all I have. I will wait for you behind locked doors. I look to the morning of the risen son for my hope. You are faithful, and you are good. You have promised me new life, and your word never fails. I will wait for the LORD of all to come.

A broken prayer

Oh God, Oh God, why have I deserted you?

Curse my sinful heart that wanders constantly from your court. What kind of wretch continues to stray after finding grace? How dark is my nature that it runs away from you? How did I run away from home?

Did I run because I can’t go home? I mean, home is coming on the wings of your return, and until that day I am homeless. Home is a long time coming. You have given me the deed, just to give me hope. Still, I keep walking off the path. I am deep in the forest of my own failure with no idea how to get back. I was too rebellious to follow directions, and now I can’t even find them. Forgive my chronic lack of trust, oh my King.
It’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust myself. I don’t deserve your kingdom, and I don’t deserve your interest. Yet, there is no other hope for me. I am lost and blind. I have no light and no reference. I am truly hopeless without you. God, I have no idea why you want me. I don’t want myself. Yet, the cross is your answer. Somehow, you wanted me, and you wanted me so desperately that you gave your life for mine. What am I that you would do this for me? I am a blind rebel that chose to ignore you long ago. Why do you love me? Will I ever know? Will I have to wait until you come back to know? Probably.
I have no other hope except the hope you have given me. You have sworn to heal me. You have pledged my renewal. This is a hope that I could not have. I can only receive it from you. So come and find me. I am in the forest of my own despair, lost and confused. You can find me by my old sin, waiting for your glorious light.

Sincerly,

Kaiju Squid.

P.S.

This is not the view of First Alliance Church

P.P.S.

Thanks to Pexels for the image. Find it here at this link: https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-background-ball-shaped-blur-220147/

My Letter to (Almost) Every Woman Ever

Dear (almost) every woman ever,

Let me state that I am sorry. While it is hard for me to make a blanket statement, particularly as a human about humans, we men have a tendency to hunt you like prey. Sorry about that.

I don’t know when the problem started, probably after the fall, but I do it’s real. We gaze across crowded rooms, on the watch for the next target of our irresistible “charm”. We try and create hunting strategies, and designate friends to distract the less desirable ones. There are even classes taught by men who treat women like hunters treat bucks. Sometimes we don’t even hunt you because we want to know you, we just need a trophy to hang on the wall.

Yet, even though we know its terrible, we are terrified by the thought of you being real. The idea that you have emotions and wants that are deep and complicated is overwhelming.

To be fair, we treat every person this way. Like someone treats the surface of the ocean, ignoring the vast abyss underneath. It is far easier to believe that every human is only a vast machine of neurons vaguely contained by flesh.

Perhaps this is because we want to believe this about ourselves? I mean, can an ocean know itself? Or is it only aware of itself? We choose to believe the world and ourselves are only an inch thick. Its easier that way.

What if we can’t bear the thought of rejection? What if you find out how weak I am? So I put on the mask of confidence and give you the mask of the believer. This way we can fall in love without ever having to know each other.

Let’s make a compromise. We can treat each other as human, not as a sex-obsessed man seeking vulnerable flesh. However, this compromise can only work if we also promise to not be offended by each other flaws. We know that an ocean can’t be explored in a day and that an ocean is dynamic. It can both wild and calm, generous and stingy, shallow and deep. Therefore, let’s extend that grace to each other.

What if reality is better than a mask and rejection can be better than unchallenged ecstasy? What if we find that learning who the vast, unknowable person is better than looking for a generic mask to hang on a wall? What if we were determined to know our lovers like a scuba diver knows the ocean, one square inch at a time.

Sincerely,

Kaiju Squid.

P.S.

Thanks to Irene Lasus from Pexels. Check the photo out here: https://www.pexels.com/photo/eating-animal-wild-insect-109428/

P.P.S.

This is not the view of First Alliance Church.